Two Week Wait Almost Over

My period is due tomorrow which means another two week wait is almost over. Although I could have tested by now, I haven't. Aside from only having one test left and not wanting to waste it, I just don't want to see any more negatives if I don't have to. So if my period doesn't come tomorrow, I will test on Saturday morning.

I have been having cramps, but they feel different than my usual pre-period cramps. Pretty much everything feels different throughout my cycle after taking Clomid at its beginning. This is only the 2nd time I've taken it so it's hard to draw any conclusions from that, but still. The cramps I've experienced and the places I've experienced them have all been so varied and so different (more intense around ovulation, less like contractions/waves before my period) from "normal" that I don't know what any of them mean (except last month I'm pretty sure a lot of them meant that my left ovary was overstimulated and swollen). This month I didn't have any issues with that ovary and have had far fewer cramps that have felt more centered near my tailbone through to my pubic bone. I don't know if it's from my cervix crying about the intrauterine insemination or what.

Anyway, I'll post right away on my Twitter microblog when I know something, and here as soon as possible after that.

Again with the Not Pregnant!

Even with all our machinations I am NOT PREGNANT.

Took a test this morning: NEGATIVE. Period started a few hours later. It's disappointing, but a lot less stressful than some cycles simply because we knew when I ovulated which means we knew when my period was due and it came exactly on time so there wasn't any guessing or unusually lengthy, drawn-out wait.

Our plan for this fresh cycle is to do another round of Clomid (starting on Saturday, assuming the doctor calls my prescription in on time) and try an intrauterine insemination (IUI) this time. We may or may not do a few other things, too (more tests, more drugs, etc.). We'll see what happens . . .

Moon Phases

I confess to being superstitious about moon phases in our conception attempts; I want the moon to be WAXING (getting fuller) while we're trying to conceive and when implantation happens. The waxing moon is the time to plant, that's all.

Of course, when you have a totally unpredictable cycle that stretches on for six weeks and doesn't/has rarely ever come close to syncing up with the rhythm of the moon it's hard to get everything lined up. Obviously I'm not so superstitious or strange that we haven't tried to get pregnant even if the moon was waning when I ovulated and after, but I have definitely felt more hopeful and happy when the moon phase was "right".

And it was "right" this cycle, I think. The moon was new/dark a couple days before I ovulated, which means it was waxing when I ovulated and, if all went well, when the egg would have been fertilized and then later implanted. The moon is full right now and if my period is going to come, it's due tomorrowish. Naturally I hope it doesn't come. And if it doesn't/if I'm pregnant, I will probably partly attribute it to the moon.

That and the Clomid. And the Instead cups and Robitussen tricks. Every little bit helps, right?

Post-Orgasm Cramps

We're running into the end of another two week wait and a couple nights ago I experienced something new: I got cramps after having an orgasm during sex. Apparently a lot of women have this, but I haven't (though I *have* had severe nausea-inducing crampy pain a couple of times right after vigorous sex right before my period which I hypothesized was from my cervix getting banged when it was more open than usual because of my impending period).

The next morning I woke up way too early at six with cramps and a general feeling of restlessness. Since then I have been crampy off and on a lot and they don't come in waves, it's more like one prolonged cramp. It could just be my period being on its way, but of course I'm convinced it's something else. Something good. Of course I've been googling my head off and found all sorts of interesting discussions which I'm too lazy to post or summarize here right now. Okay, I found a lot of women saying they had post-orgasm cramps and/or general crampiness from around implantation through week ten of their pregnancies. Since I have had plenty of orgasms during my two week wait over the past year with none of them leading to cramps (that I can recall) I'm hoping that SIGNIFIES something about my uterus being in a special condition.

I *could* take an early pregnancy test tomorrow, but I'm nervous and would rather lessen the chance of a false negative. Of course, I would rather have a false negative than a REAL negative, but whatever. I'm also extremely weepy lately, but that's been going on for quite awhile now, especially when I have PMS so that's not unusual enough for me to imagine it's connected to early pregnancy (though a few months ago I did).

One Down, One to Go

We're in the middle of another two week wait; my period is due on June 19th so we should find out around then whether or not our conception attempts succeeded this time around.

I took five 50 mg (the starter amount) doses of Clomid; this is the first cycle we've done anything medical to boost fertility. Without knowing whether or not it helped/worked in terms of conception, I do at least know that it made me ovulate on a normal schedule and we won't have another 7 week cycle/torture/waste of time. That is already a huge load off my mind.

We also tried one other new trick I read about online: inserting an Instead cup after fucking to keep my cervix soaked in as much cum as possible for as long as possible. We did that two or three times, with one of them being a whole overnighter, but the first time being something of a botched attempt since I jumped the gun and tried to awkwardly insert the fucker too soon, losing mass quantities to the hairy crevice of my ass. Whatever. It still seems like a pretty damned good idea, in theory at least.

Anyhoo, we're right around the time when I should be experiencing implantation if an egg did get fertilized. I'm very hopeful, as usual during the cycles when I'm sure I ovulated. I'm afraid that when we went to eat today that the newb waitress forgot to give me decaf, though. With this going on, every little mistake like that is something that makes me kick myself later when I get a BFN (big fat negative) on pregnancy tests. I will totally blame it on the waitress and 1.5 cups of coffee if things don't pan out this cycle.

To Test or not to Test?

Today or tomorrow is about the earliest I can do an early pregnancy test (its directions say up to five days before your period is due), but I think I'm going to try to wait a couple more days. It's too hard seeing a negative and not knowing if it's because I'm really not pregnant or if I just tested too early.

In the beginning we videotaped my early morning pee tests to try to get the exciting moment saved for posterity. After about ten negative attempts (some within the same cycle, so not ten months) I just couldn't handle burning up more tape on the same sad results. Dragging out the camcorder over and over again to witness myself failing to accomplish the most basic human function added a layer of repetitive humiliation and depression to an already stressful task so I really had to stop. It was horrible waking Delia up for my early morning pee, both of us heading to the bathroom, cranking up the little motor on the Canon and having to both sit around waiting to preserve our disappointment forever on digital video. Even though the footage is still good for pee lovers, it got real old for me real fast.

Deciding whether or not to videotape and/or otherwise share our precious and pathetic moments on our sites is always a challenge for us, but even more so with trying to conceive and share (plus eroticize) a pregnancy. Documenting and sharing it seems even more valuable since it's a once-in-a-lifetime (or maybe twice-in-a-lifetime) experience, but for the same reason it's also important to preserve enough of our experiences AWAY from cameras so that we can just feel what's happening without being photographers/models/subjects/whores and without altering the experience by adding those elements to it.

If I am going to have negative results (which I've had a lot of in the past nine months) I can handle waking up by myself and doing the test, then telling Delia when she wakes up that it was negative. It becomes harder and I feel more like a loser when she gets up with me and watches/waits with me for the results. And it would be EVEN MORE DIFFICULT if I had promised members to tape it and had to keep sharing the bad news. Over and over again. And maybe never "deliver" (in more ways than one). Which is why I didn't promise that, and why I started just testing without even telling Delia.

I realize that being infertile wouldn't make me a "failure" or a "loser". I realize I "shouldn't feel that way". But the truth is that documenting things AMPLIFIES and ALTERS their emotional significance. That may not make rational sense to some people, but it's the reality. Events ARE impacted when they are observed.

Taping and testing. Not sure what to do about either of them this week. I'll decide tomorrow what I will do the next day. Or maybe tomorrow I will sneak into the bathroom by myself, pee in my glass, and dip the stick. And be the first person to know whatever it is or isn't or I'm not sure of -- the only one who knows what the test says for at least a few minutes.

Two Week Wait

We're now a couple of days into another "two week wait" hoping to find out at the end of the month that we're pregnant. Here's a little update from a post I just made in my main blog:

We’ve had sex four mornings in a row hoping to fertilize the egg that I popped on Friday. Sunday morning was just for good measure ;). It really relaxed me so I went back into a blissful sleep afterwards, then got up and spent many hours doing housework. I’m not an efficient cleaning person because I get easily distracted and roam from room to room, but when I just allow myself to enjoy the process it’s actually really soothing to me. It was nice to get away from the computers and pay attention to our surroundings. While we are waiting to find out whether or not our conception attempt was successful I want things to be as calm and relaxing as possible and also focus my energy on grounding myself in my body and home. Peace is a state of being I usually have to work towards to achieve; I would like to practice more to get to the point where it comes more naturally. This is especially important now that I want to become a parent.

So Tired of Waiting

Most of the past 7-10 days has been not just okay, but even great, as I'm mostly-convinced I'm pregnant and have been feeling fantastic.

We've taken a couple of tests too-early, though, and I hate seeing those blank white looks where a positive line should be.

I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do anything; all I want is to know for sure. RIGHT NOW.

I know a lot of people get negative results on home pregnancy tests before they get positives due to a similar impatience or diluted urine or whatever. That knowledge is not a real big consolation, though.