Friday, July 18, 2008

Ambiguous Results

Evaporation lines, barely-there periods, and much left unsaid (with fingers still crossed):


I know, I should take a picture of the probably-an-evaporation-line-but-looks-like-a-positive test for you, but as you may have noticed from the video I'M A LITTLE OUT OF IT.

It's on days like today I don't know if the internet is a help or a colossal fucking hindrance. Do I really need to know that sometimes implantation doesn't take place until AFTER your period is due (so you wouldn't have a positive result on a test anyway)? It's tiring, the waiting.

We're going to take an almost-midnight walk; if my period is going to start, that should get things going. Either way it will make me feel better.

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Thursday, July 17, 2008

Two Week Wait Almost Over

My period is due tomorrow which means another two week wait is almost over. Although I could have tested by now, I haven't. Aside from only having one test left and not wanting to waste it, I just don't want to see any more negatives if I don't have to. So if my period doesn't come tomorrow, I will test on Saturday morning.

I have been having cramps, but they feel different than my usual pre-period cramps. Pretty much everything feels different throughout my cycle after taking Clomid at its beginning. This is only the 2nd time I've taken it so it's hard to draw any conclusions from that, but still. The cramps I've experienced and the places I've experienced them have all been so varied and so different (more intense around ovulation, less like contractions/waves before my period) from "normal" that I don't know what any of them mean (except last month I'm pretty sure a lot of them meant that my left ovary was overstimulated and swollen). This month I didn't have any issues with that ovary and have had far fewer cramps that have felt more centered near my tailbone through to my pubic bone. I don't know if it's from my cervix crying about the intrauterine insemination or what.

Anyway, I'll post right away on my Twitter microblog when I know something, and here as soon as possible after that.

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

To Test or not to Test?

Today or tomorrow is about the earliest I can do an early pregnancy test (its directions say up to five days before your period is due), but I think I'm going to try to wait a couple more days. It's too hard seeing a negative and not knowing if it's because I'm really not pregnant or if I just tested too early.

In the beginning we videotaped my early morning pee tests to try to get the exciting moment saved for posterity. After about ten negative attempts (some within the same cycle, so not ten months) I just couldn't handle burning up more tape on the same sad results. Dragging out the camcorder over and over again to witness myself failing to accomplish the most basic human function added a layer of repetitive humiliation and depression to an already stressful task so I really had to stop. It was horrible waking Delia up for my early morning pee, both of us heading to the bathroom, cranking up the little motor on the Canon and having to both sit around waiting to preserve our disappointment forever on digital video. Even though the footage is still good for pee lovers, it got real old for me real fast.

Deciding whether or not to videotape and/or otherwise share our precious and pathetic moments on our sites is always a challenge for us, but even more so with trying to conceive and share (plus eroticize) a pregnancy. Documenting and sharing it seems even more valuable since it's a once-in-a-lifetime (or maybe twice-in-a-lifetime) experience, but for the same reason it's also important to preserve enough of our experiences AWAY from cameras so that we can just feel what's happening without being photographers/models/subjects/whores and without altering the experience by adding those elements to it.

If I am going to have negative results (which I've had a lot of in the past nine months) I can handle waking up by myself and doing the test, then telling Delia when she wakes up that it was negative. It becomes harder and I feel more like a loser when she gets up with me and watches/waits with me for the results. And it would be EVEN MORE DIFFICULT if I had promised members to tape it and had to keep sharing the bad news. Over and over again. And maybe never "deliver" (in more ways than one). Which is why I didn't promise that, and why I started just testing without even telling Delia.

I realize that being infertile wouldn't make me a "failure" or a "loser". I realize I "shouldn't feel that way". But the truth is that documenting things AMPLIFIES and ALTERS their emotional significance. That may not make rational sense to some people, but it's the reality. Events ARE impacted when they are observed.

Taping and testing. Not sure what to do about either of them this week. I'll decide tomorrow what I will do the next day. Or maybe tomorrow I will sneak into the bathroom by myself, pee in my glass, and dip the stick. And be the first person to know whatever it is or isn't or I'm not sure of -- the only one who knows what the test says for at least a few minutes.

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Thursday, December 6, 2007

So Tired of Waiting

Most of the past 7-10 days has been not just okay, but even great, as I'm mostly-convinced I'm pregnant and have been feeling fantastic.

We've taken a couple of tests too-early, though, and I hate seeing those blank white looks where a positive line should be.

I'm having a hard time motivating myself to do anything; all I want is to know for sure. RIGHT NOW.

I know a lot of people get negative results on home pregnancy tests before they get positives due to a similar impatience or diluted urine or whatever. That knowledge is not a real big consolation, though.

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Sunday, December 2, 2007

Surge & Sperm

After this many months of trying, I ordered fifty ovulation predictor test strips to test twice a day during my November cycle. During October I got a pack of five Accu-Clear tests at the grocery store; they were so expensive, and for someone like me with an unpredictable cycle it wasn't enough to detect anything.

This time around I read more about how the tests work and when the surge of luteinizing hormone is detectable in urine (RARELY in the morning, FYI). Three weeks after the first day of my period, I got positive results (bottom two strips; the line on the left has to be DARKER than the control line on the right):

ovulation predictor positive results

Those third & fourth strips from the top were from the afternoon and evening of November 23rd, so I should have ovulated that day or the next. Some people say that by the time you detect the LH surge in your urine (hours after the actual surge), it's on the late side to have sex because the sperm will have too far to travel to get to the egg in time, so you should actually be fucking in the days preceding the surge. Fortunately we DID fuck the days before.

Delia shot a huge stored-up load in me on the 21st, and another giant one on the 22nd (Thanksgiving), plus one on the 23rd (the day of the positive test results) and the 24th. On Thanksgiving I FELT like I was ovulating (and the test results were getting a teensy bit darker), and we got really excited that day and the next, as excited and hopeful as we've been about it since we started trying to conceive. REALLY excited and positive, to the point where we BELIEVED it "took", and not just that it took, but that it will be a girl.

I think it makes a big difference emotionally when you get positive results on tests. SEEING those dark lines on my pee sticks made me feel certain my body is working properly. Also, Delia had her sperm tested and they're normal (she's done two deposits at the fertility clinic which they've been able to harvest into a number of vials for freezing: four the first time and I'm not sure how many the second time).

Now, over a week later, I feel PMSy. It just started today but I feel a little edgy and impatient. Night before last I dreamed that my period started; I inspected the cloth dotted with the blood that came out of me and tried to be positive, telling myself it was implantation bleeding, but there were shreds of tissue and too much blood for me to believe it was anything but my period. I also woke up from a bad dream this morning; my dreams get more active and scary when my period's on its way, so I feel . . . . blah. I'm trying not to feel hopeless, but I feel a little depressed. You want to ascribe meaning to every imagined "symptom": Is my pussy wetter than usual? I believe it is! I MUST BE PREGNANT! Am I crankier than I was yesterday? Yeah, for sure -- I MUST *NOT* BE PREGNANT! I'm not hungry for chocolate -- I COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE HAVING PMS SO I MUST BE PREGNANT!! I'm agitated and horny -- I MUST BE HAVING PMS, THEREFORE I AM NOT PREGNANT!!

One other good thing about getting positive results for LH surge on the ovulation prediction tests is that at least I know exactly when my period is due this way: FRIDAY. Things should be more obvious to me in a few days, and if my period doesn't start or feel like it's going to start on Friday, I'll take a pregnancy test on Saturday, December 8th. If it's positive, I'll let everyone know!

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

NEGATIVE

So. We took a pregnancy test on Thursday, July 12th. If I properly detected my ovulation then my period was due on Wednesday, July 11th (the day before we took the test).

Anyway, it came out unambiguously negative.

Either my period is going to be really late or the test was wrong / we took it too early. Before I was on the pill, it was pretty average for me to be on a six week cycle, which is really annoying. So here I am, a week "late" but that could mean absolutely nothing.

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Friday, July 6, 2007

Breakout

My skin is pimplier since going off the pill. I have a constellation of zits on my chin. I wonder if this means I am having PMS / my period is going to start. If so, then I'm not pregnant.

Going to test for it next week if my period doesn't start by, say, Wednesday.

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