What Failure Looks Like: Exhibit A

My period officially started with great obviousness not long after I took more tests Saturday morning (the above pic is actually from negative results in December; it's still on my to-do list to take pics of the evaporation line I referred to recently).

Six months ago seeing blood in my panties felt like failure, at least it did at first glance. I even shot some pictures to exhibit What Failure Looks Like. But as mentioned in that post, I can't really cling to feeling that morose and broken over it since I *do* really like having my period and it feels really wrong to me to view its occurrence as a failure. Women's bodies are really dual-natured, I think, doing so much to prevent pregnancy and so much to encourage it. The balance is achieved by the opposing forces. For my body and maybe for part of the rest of me, not getting pregnant is perhaps a very significant triumph.

There has been no hostile takeover. I am still potently singular. My body has thus far *resisted* pregnancy. Resistance is not what I want right now nor is it what I've been trying to will, but in a way it does make me feel that I'm inhabiting a powerful body, one that disobeys orders and mutinies with blood.

My body is like a sister I fight and love dearly. Nobody is closer to me. Maybe she just doesn't want to share me with anyone else. It's unfair and dishonest for me to betray her with words like "failure" or "disappointment". I should celebrate her stubbornness and hug her for her loyalty in defending me against intruders.

Again with the Not Pregnant!

Even with all our machinations I am NOT PREGNANT.

Took a test this morning: NEGATIVE. Period started a few hours later. It's disappointing, but a lot less stressful than some cycles simply because we knew when I ovulated which means we knew when my period was due and it came exactly on time so there wasn't any guessing or unusually lengthy, drawn-out wait.

Our plan for this fresh cycle is to do another round of Clomid (starting on Saturday, assuming the doctor calls my prescription in on time) and try an intrauterine insemination (IUI) this time. We may or may not do a few other things, too (more tests, more drugs, etc.). We'll see what happens . . .

Not Pregnant

So. My period just started. I sat and cried on the toilet for a little while. I did take a test day before yesterday which was, of course, negative. But we hoped maybe it was just too early to get a positive. Now we know. The test was right.

I'm not pregnant, and feeling worse about it than ever before. Delia has been waiting almost a year to start on hormones now. The money we've spent on testing that has been applied to my giant insurance deductible will be for nothing since we won't be having a baby this year. I just turned thirty-five this month so when/if we do get pregnant, it will automatically be deemed a high risk pregnancy because of my age. I can't seem to separate the trivial consequences (like the deductible & arbitrary high risk designation) from the massive ones (my girlfriend's identity being on hold).

I have no idea what to do next and just want to quit everything else, shut out every other distraction, not have to do shows or shoots or try to balance that with procreational sex; I feel like we're demanding a lot of our bodies and don't even have time to figure out what's going on before someone is asking us for an update. I don't blame anyone for that (especially since I appreciate the interest and concern), it's just stressful because on top of the demands we have to orient ourselves to our situation and make decisions, people are clamoring for news before it's even created. By the time we've gone through things, I totally want a break from talking or thinking about the whole ordeal instead of rehashing it. It's hard to strike a balance and prioritize.

Tonight we're going to spend some time together planning the upcoming cycle and making some decisions about possible artificial steps to take along with deciding whether or not to / when to cut back on shows and shoots.

I also really need to get more exercise. That might sound random, but it's really important now for a whole host of reasons (healthier = more fertile, fitter = healthier pregnancy, exercise = less stress). I've been having a terrible time motivating myself to do anything. It feels like I'm just WAITING. Like all I can do is wait. It's a challenge. Sometimes it feels like the best I can do is to try to be calm. To sit on my widening ass, waiting patiently . . . meditatively. In order to maintain that sense of calm I don't want to do much of anything. I don't want to agitate myself or my body. I mostly just want to sit around like a big heavy rock.

But right now I want to cry.

The Latest, in a Nutshell

After four of my notoriously unpredictable cycles, whether or not I'm fertile is still up in the air; I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

I'm extremely sick of fucking in the missionary position every day and lying there trying retain spooge for blocks of time afterwards. It was sweet for awhile, but it's getting to be a boring obligation.

Delia is getting her sperm tested and frozen on Thursday. I never thought I'd be considering doing anything "artificial" to get pregnant, but I'm giving us a special dispensation to say "fuck it" to my old rules.

On the other hand, I'm of two minds: attached to being childless, and attached to wanting to have one. I'm up in the air about it and ready to just give it a bit of a rest for a few months.

NEGATIVE

So. We took a pregnancy test on Thursday, July 12th. If I properly detected my ovulation then my period was due on Wednesday, July 11th (the day before we took the test).

Anyway, it came out unambiguously negative.

Either my period is going to be really late or the test was wrong / we took it too early. Before I was on the pill, it was pretty average for me to be on a six week cycle, which is really annoying. So here I am, a week "late" but that could mean absolutely nothing.