Post-Orgasm Cramps

We're running into the end of another two week wait and a couple nights ago I experienced something new: I got cramps after having an orgasm during sex. Apparently a lot of women have this, but I haven't (though I *have* had severe nausea-inducing crampy pain a couple of times right after vigorous sex right before my period which I hypothesized was from my cervix getting banged when it was more open than usual because of my impending period).

The next morning I woke up way too early at six with cramps and a general feeling of restlessness. Since then I have been crampy off and on a lot and they don't come in waves, it's more like one prolonged cramp. It could just be my period being on its way, but of course I'm convinced it's something else. Something good. Of course I've been googling my head off and found all sorts of interesting discussions which I'm too lazy to post or summarize here right now. Okay, I found a lot of women saying they had post-orgasm cramps and/or general crampiness from around implantation through week ten of their pregnancies. Since I have had plenty of orgasms during my two week wait over the past year with none of them leading to cramps (that I can recall) I'm hoping that SIGNIFIES something about my uterus being in a special condition.

I *could* take an early pregnancy test tomorrow, but I'm nervous and would rather lessen the chance of a false negative. Of course, I would rather have a false negative than a REAL negative, but whatever. I'm also extremely weepy lately, but that's been going on for quite awhile now, especially when I have PMS so that's not unusual enough for me to imagine it's connected to early pregnancy (though a few months ago I did).

Nursing Mama Doll & Ovulation Update

This has to be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen:



Found via Hobo Stripper who led me to Enchanted Gypsy where I found her store.

I love people who make beautiful things, and beautiful TOUCHABLE things are especially wonderful.

*****

I've been testing my pee every day for the past couple of weeks to try to catch my hormone surge leading to ovulation; I'm worried this will be another cycle where I don't even pop an egg; it seems like it would have happened by now, plus I just don't feel like anything's been going on in there; usually I feel some cramps for a few days; I've only had maybe three momentary pinches. We are wondering if having less sex (trying to save up the sperm) is decreasing whatever stimulation I might need to pop an egg.

Blood Test

Again, I'm not pregnant.

My period started on Sunday. Want to know what really bad cramps feel like? Read all about my Sunday cramps HERE.

On Tuesday I had my blood tested; I got the results the next day and was told my hormone levels are "within normal range". You'd think they could tell you how wide this range is and which END of the range I'm at, but whatever. I guess normal is as good as it gets. The results I got were for FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) which is released from the pituitary gland, and Estradiol (released from ovaries). I am still waiting to hear the results on the thyroid test.

As far as how I fare with needles, I think I'm fairly average. I am not scared of them and sometimes even enjoy watching OTHER people get poked by them, but I prefer not to watch them sticking ME. I do not like pain and watching it happening makes it too easy to exaggerate the sensations so I just look away.

As an adolescent I couldn't stand the thought of having blood drawn from my arm so I'd insist on finger pokes, which I now realize is THE MOST PAINFUL because of all the nerve endings. Part of why I shrunk from doing it the normal way is that I hated the thought of them digging around in my arm trying to find a vein, imagining my internal strings and tubes being wiggled around. Now I am fine with it as long as I don't have to look at it. That's a good thing, because I am a veinless wonder. The past two times I've had blood drawn they attempted it from my arm, but my veins eluded them so they had to draw from the back of my hand. I don't mind it, but the bruise afterwards makes me look like an old damaged lady. Gross.

SEX tonight!

Delia hasn't shot a load since Monday and I just tested and still I'm not having my LH surge, so we're going to fuck tonight: both of us are jonesing for a good fuck. If my surge happens tomorrow then we'll do it again on Tuesday and it will still be enough abstinence for her to replenish her stores (plus have leftovers inside still from tonight).

We have read and heard a lot of contradictory information anyway about the effect of abstinence vs. frequent ejaculation on sperm count; supposedly it's not good for sperm count to wait this long, yet doing it every day or more often is not good either; while some people discount that, we have been trying for months and perhaps been overdoing it, so even just skipping one day will be an improvement over what we've been doing. Judging from the variation of her sperm count with her deposits for freezing at the fertility clinic, though, I'd say abstaining three or four days might be better.

But who fucking knows for sure, right?

My First Appointment with a Fertility Expert

We made the trek to the fertility clinic on Tuesday for me to be seen this time instead of Delia going to the lab area to bank sperm.

For my first appointment we chatted, of course, and the doctor performed a transvaginal ultrasound (she slid a long, lubed-up, dildo-like transducer into my vag, rather than rolling one over my abdomen because of the placement of my non-pregnant uterus). The good news is that my uterus and ovaries look healthy and normal (though she did exclaim that my uterus is "tipped WAY back", but I already knew that and it isn't supposed to have any bearing on whether or not I'm fertile). She angled the transducer to one side to show me one ovary and then the other (with lots of black dots on each showing the competing egg sacs/follicles). I meant to ask for a picture (to scan and post here), but I forgot; the procedure didn't take long at all, but it was a relief to see that at least there's nothing obviously wrong with my ovaries or uterus. The doctor did a great job of gracefully inserting her tool into me, but no -- having a woman doctor penetrate me with her big long wand wasn't a sexy experience for me (though I could certainly concoct a fantasy based on the experience that COULD be sexy).

Of course she reassured us that trying for six months is not a very long time at all so not to worry; I'm still young (relative to the women she usually treats) but she understood that part of our hurry is that Delia's transition is on hold while she puts off starting hormones to maintain her own fertility so we can get pregnant. The doctor was really cool about that and asked (in a casual, personal, "I'm fascinated" way) to know more about when she decided to transition, expressing her admiration for the strength it must have taken to resolve to do that. This probably sounds like a cheesy after school special scene, but it wasn't.

She explained the steps they would usually take during my next cycle if we don't get pregnant this month; long story short, they'll test whether or not my tubes are blocked and depending on whether they are or they're not, they'll put me on hormones then we can also come back and get intrauterine insemination so that they inject the sperm right into my uterus. Apparently the chance of having twins is 5-8% with the hormones and 1% for triplets. Personally I think that is more of a risk than I want to take right now, but it's not quite as bad as I thought it would be.

We haven't really had time to decide whether or not (or when) we'll go that route, and my thoughts on that are grist for other blog entries when I'm not so pressed for time.

*****

I'm hopeful that this cycle will be THE ONE where we do it naturally; we've only been using the ovulation predictor test strips for two cycles, and may have been overdoing it with the fucking, reducing our chances of conception by screwing four of five days in a row and too early. This time we will wait until my LH surge happens and fuck the next day (there are a couple of reasons we weren't doing it this way before; again, grist for a different blog entry).

My LH levels seem to be picking up, so I won't be surprised if we get our chance tomorrow or within a few days. Delia hasn't shot a load since Monday so the sperm should be hearty and numerous.

Surge & Sperm

After this many months of trying, I ordered fifty ovulation predictor test strips to test twice a day during my November cycle. During October I got a pack of five Accu-Clear tests at the grocery store; they were so expensive, and for someone like me with an unpredictable cycle it wasn't enough to detect anything.

This time around I read more about how the tests work and when the surge of luteinizing hormone is detectable in urine (RARELY in the morning, FYI). Three weeks after the first day of my period, I got positive results (bottom two strips; the line on the left has to be DARKER than the control line on the right):



Those third & fourth strips from the top were from the afternoon and evening of November 23rd, so I should have ovulated that day or the next. Some people say that by the time you detect the LH surge in your urine (hours after the actual surge), it's on the late side to have sex because the sperm will have too far to travel to get to the egg in time, so you should actually be fucking in the days preceding the surge. Fortunately we DID fuck the days before.

Delia shot a huge stored-up load in me on the 21st, and another giant one on the 22nd (Thanksgiving), plus one on the 23rd (the day of the positive test results) and the 24th. On Thanksgiving I FELT like I was ovulating (and the test results were getting a teensy bit darker), and we got really excited that day and the next, as excited and hopeful as we've been about it since we started trying to conceive. REALLY excited and positive, to the point where we BELIEVED it "took", and not just that it took, but that it will be a girl.

I think it makes a big difference emotionally when you get positive results on tests. SEEING those dark lines on my pee sticks made me feel certain my body is working properly. Also, Delia had her sperm tested and they're normal (she's done two deposits at the fertility clinic which they've been able to harvest into a number of vials for freezing: four the first time and I'm not sure how many the second time).

Now, over a week later, I feel PMSy. It just started today but I feel a little edgy and impatient. Night before last I dreamed that my period started; I inspected the cloth dotted with the blood that came out of me and tried to be positive, telling myself it was implantation bleeding, but there were shreds of tissue and too much blood for me to believe it was anything but my period. I also woke up from a bad dream this morning; my dreams get more active and scary when my period's on its way, so I feel . . . . blah. I'm trying not to feel hopeless, but I feel a little depressed. You want to ascribe meaning to every imagined "symptom": Is my pussy wetter than usual? I believe it is! I MUST BE PREGNANT! Am I crankier than I was yesterday? Yeah, for sure -- I MUST *NOT* BE PREGNANT! I'm not hungry for chocolate -- I COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE HAVING PMS SO I MUST BE PREGNANT!! I'm agitated and horny -- I MUST BE HAVING PMS, THEREFORE I AM NOT PREGNANT!!

One other good thing about getting positive results for LH surge on the ovulation prediction tests is that at least I know exactly when my period is due this way: FRIDAY. Things should be more obvious to me in a few days, and if my period doesn't start or feel like it's going to start on Friday, I'll take a pregnancy test on Saturday, December 8th. If it's positive, I'll let everyone know!

Breakout

My skin is pimplier since going off the pill. I have a constellation of zits on my chin. I wonder if this means I am having PMS / my period is going to start. If so, then I'm not pregnant.

Going to test for it next week if my period doesn't start by, say, Wednesday.

Uh-Oh

One of my biggest concerns going into this has been losing the emotional stability of being on the pill. Yes, I know that I'll get those benefits back once I'm pregnant, but before that and during breastfeeding? I'm nervous.

In the past I've had some pretty serious issues with depression, violent mood swings, and all of that jazz from PMS. Those symptoms weren't really limited to just a week before my period started, either. Being on the pill with its consistent dose of regulatory hormones was like MAGIC. I loved it.

Now that I am off of it I am feeling the jagged claws of hormone shifts in these ways:

I AM SO HORNY I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT.
I know you think that's cute and happy, but my entire pelvic bowl feels so cranky and demanding and on edge, it's fucking nerve wracking.

I AM UBER BITCHY & EASILY AGGRAVATED.
The slightest irritations make me want to throttle people.

I FEEL DEEPLY SAD.
When something makes me sad, something that would normally be no big deal, I feel it to my core, like a major heartbreak.

One of the things I loved about being on the pill is that my bitchiness and sentimentality seemed very superficial suddenly. I felt more prone to expressing these emotions through stereotypical chatterbox nagging or crying suddenly at stupid things, like commercials, but only for about four and a half weepy seconds and then it would be gone. I'll say it again, because it has been so striking to me: the emotions I felt were very superficial, and underneath them I felt very smooth and stable.

Not on the pill? Nothing feels superficial. One of the cool things about being on it, though, that I think I can take with me is that I feel more comfortable crying. So on Saturday when a book made me sad? I cried. HARD. And when it made me sad again a few pages later? I cried again. HARD. And when watching Northern Exposure made me feel sentimental? I cried. HARD. I cried hard on Saturday so many fucking times, my face got bloated. I also masturbated a lot (but not while I was crying).

And right now as I write this? I feel like a platoon of cunt-starved soldiers couldn't satisfy my pussy, it's feeling so demanding. It's not like I'm dripping wet with arousal, it's more of an incredible sexual tension in my pelvis. It's a feeling of being wound up and aching for release.