Clomid

A very basic update:

We're still waiting for my period to start; it's been over six weeks since the last one began (on March 28th). No, I'm not pregnant; that's just how my body works (or doesn't work).

It's been almost a year since we started trying to conceive so we're stepping things up a notch or two by trying Clomid (a fertility drug that helps stimulate ovulation) this cycle. We'll then continue testing at home to try to predict when the egg (or eggs) will pop and probably go to the fertility clinic for an intrauterine insemination where Delia shoots a load in the lab, they "wash" her sperm, and they shoot it directly into my uterus.

Normally they suggest trying clomid for three cycles before doing any extra lab procedures but Delia is waiting on this before she starts hormones. Also? I can't say that I wouldn't want to go ahead with the luhBOREuhtory procedures after this much waiting. Because there's something appealing to me about an aliens-in-labcoats science-y conception. On top of that the Clomid actually does a counterproductive number on women's cervical mucous, making it more "hostile" to sperm (basically it dries up your pussy); why keep plugging away at it in bed if the pussy is being sabotaged? Answer: because it costs $225 for sperm wash/prep and $175 for the insemination so maybe we *should* try it in bed one round first.

Now that we have done all of the usual tests and know that I still have eggs, they do still pop (sometimes), my tubes are not blocked, Delia's sperm is good, my blood work indicates everything is normal, and we've tried an assortment of tricks and techniques at home, there's not a lot we can do except either wait or take things to the pharmaceutical and medical levels. Delia has put her transition on hold long enough (and I fucking HATE waiting for something to happen) so we're going to go for the med-voodoo.

My First Appointment with a Fertility Expert

We made the trek to the fertility clinic on Tuesday for me to be seen this time instead of Delia going to the lab area to bank sperm.

For my first appointment we chatted, of course, and the doctor performed a transvaginal ultrasound (she slid a long, lubed-up, dildo-like transducer into my vag, rather than rolling one over my abdomen because of the placement of my non-pregnant uterus). The good news is that my uterus and ovaries look healthy and normal (though she did exclaim that my uterus is "tipped WAY back", but I already knew that and it isn't supposed to have any bearing on whether or not I'm fertile). She angled the transducer to one side to show me one ovary and then the other (with lots of black dots on each showing the competing egg sacs/follicles). I meant to ask for a picture (to scan and post here), but I forgot; the procedure didn't take long at all, but it was a relief to see that at least there's nothing obviously wrong with my ovaries or uterus. The doctor did a great job of gracefully inserting her tool into me, but no -- having a woman doctor penetrate me with her big long wand wasn't a sexy experience for me (though I could certainly concoct a fantasy based on the experience that COULD be sexy).

Of course she reassured us that trying for six months is not a very long time at all so not to worry; I'm still young (relative to the women she usually treats) but she understood that part of our hurry is that Delia's transition is on hold while she puts off starting hormones to maintain her own fertility so we can get pregnant. The doctor was really cool about that and asked (in a casual, personal, "I'm fascinated" way) to know more about when she decided to transition, expressing her admiration for the strength it must have taken to resolve to do that. This probably sounds like a cheesy after school special scene, but it wasn't.

She explained the steps they would usually take during my next cycle if we don't get pregnant this month; long story short, they'll test whether or not my tubes are blocked and depending on whether they are or they're not, they'll put me on hormones then we can also come back and get intrauterine insemination so that they inject the sperm right into my uterus. Apparently the chance of having twins is 5-8% with the hormones and 1% for triplets. Personally I think that is more of a risk than I want to take right now, but it's not quite as bad as I thought it would be.

We haven't really had time to decide whether or not (or when) we'll go that route, and my thoughts on that are grist for other blog entries when I'm not so pressed for time.

*****

I'm hopeful that this cycle will be THE ONE where we do it naturally; we've only been using the ovulation predictor test strips for two cycles, and may have been overdoing it with the fucking, reducing our chances of conception by screwing four of five days in a row and too early. This time we will wait until my LH surge happens and fuck the next day (there are a couple of reasons we weren't doing it this way before; again, grist for a different blog entry).

My LH levels seem to be picking up, so I won't be surprised if we get our chance tomorrow or within a few days. Delia hasn't shot a load since Monday so the sperm should be hearty and numerous.

Charting for the Fertility Experts

Still not pregnant, but we'll give it another shot sometime within the next week and a half.

I'm getting all my period-started and LH-surge dates written down to take to the fertility clinic tomorrow; it will be my first appointment there (though I've been there plenty with Delia for her sperm banking).

The last birth control pill I took was in June, and Delia decided to transition in May so it's time for us to get the show on the road or at least find out if that's even possible for us/me.

I have a lot of blog entries to write about this process we've been going through, but have been overwhelmed by the dailiness of life and other projects so haven't gotten around to it. I do intend to go back and detail some of what's been happening, how I've been feeling, and more of my thoughts regarding the intersection of fertility, infertility and pornography.

Surge & Sperm

After this many months of trying, I ordered fifty ovulation predictor test strips to test twice a day during my November cycle. During October I got a pack of five Accu-Clear tests at the grocery store; they were so expensive, and for someone like me with an unpredictable cycle it wasn't enough to detect anything.

This time around I read more about how the tests work and when the surge of luteinizing hormone is detectable in urine (RARELY in the morning, FYI). Three weeks after the first day of my period, I got positive results (bottom two strips; the line on the left has to be DARKER than the control line on the right):



Those third & fourth strips from the top were from the afternoon and evening of November 23rd, so I should have ovulated that day or the next. Some people say that by the time you detect the LH surge in your urine (hours after the actual surge), it's on the late side to have sex because the sperm will have too far to travel to get to the egg in time, so you should actually be fucking in the days preceding the surge. Fortunately we DID fuck the days before.

Delia shot a huge stored-up load in me on the 21st, and another giant one on the 22nd (Thanksgiving), plus one on the 23rd (the day of the positive test results) and the 24th. On Thanksgiving I FELT like I was ovulating (and the test results were getting a teensy bit darker), and we got really excited that day and the next, as excited and hopeful as we've been about it since we started trying to conceive. REALLY excited and positive, to the point where we BELIEVED it "took", and not just that it took, but that it will be a girl.

I think it makes a big difference emotionally when you get positive results on tests. SEEING those dark lines on my pee sticks made me feel certain my body is working properly. Also, Delia had her sperm tested and they're normal (she's done two deposits at the fertility clinic which they've been able to harvest into a number of vials for freezing: four the first time and I'm not sure how many the second time).

Now, over a week later, I feel PMSy. It just started today but I feel a little edgy and impatient. Night before last I dreamed that my period started; I inspected the cloth dotted with the blood that came out of me and tried to be positive, telling myself it was implantation bleeding, but there were shreds of tissue and too much blood for me to believe it was anything but my period. I also woke up from a bad dream this morning; my dreams get more active and scary when my period's on its way, so I feel . . . . blah. I'm trying not to feel hopeless, but I feel a little depressed. You want to ascribe meaning to every imagined "symptom": Is my pussy wetter than usual? I believe it is! I MUST BE PREGNANT! Am I crankier than I was yesterday? Yeah, for sure -- I MUST *NOT* BE PREGNANT! I'm not hungry for chocolate -- I COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE HAVING PMS SO I MUST BE PREGNANT!! I'm agitated and horny -- I MUST BE HAVING PMS, THEREFORE I AM NOT PREGNANT!!

One other good thing about getting positive results for LH surge on the ovulation prediction tests is that at least I know exactly when my period is due this way: FRIDAY. Things should be more obvious to me in a few days, and if my period doesn't start or feel like it's going to start on Friday, I'll take a pregnancy test on Saturday, December 8th. If it's positive, I'll let everyone know!

The Latest, in a Nutshell

After four of my notoriously unpredictable cycles, whether or not I'm fertile is still up in the air; I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

I'm extremely sick of fucking in the missionary position every day and lying there trying retain spooge for blocks of time afterwards. It was sweet for awhile, but it's getting to be a boring obligation.

Delia is getting her sperm tested and frozen on Thursday. I never thought I'd be considering doing anything "artificial" to get pregnant, but I'm giving us a special dispensation to say "fuck it" to my old rules.

On the other hand, I'm of two minds: attached to being childless, and attached to wanting to have one. I'm up in the air about it and ready to just give it a bit of a rest for a few months.

Sperm-Friendly Lube?

I heard that synthetic lubrication can decrease sperm motility, I guess being too gooey for them to swim through, so last month when we were trying to conceive most of the time we didn't use extra lube, just in case. Still, I did masturbation shows using my regular lube and who knows how long that stuff hangs around in my vag so . . .

I just placed an order for this stuff, the pornographically-named "pre-seed". The entire website has a snake-oil vibe to it, but whatever . . . I can't wait to photograph our "Free Packet of Good Luck Baby Dust With Each Purchase".

Officially Off the Pill

Even though the last pill I took was back on Saturday (over a week ago), yesterday was the first day I was officially off the pill since all but one of the days in between were sugar pill / period days.

So I guess this means I'm officially at risk of getting pregnant now. Bwahahahaha!!! I don't know why that sounds so deliciously evil and naughty to me, like I'm bucking everything civilized to do something old, earthy and primitive.

Today

I ordered some cycle beads today; if all goes well and I am FERTILE I probably won't even get a chance to use them.

I took a long walk by myself in the damp woods. I stripped off my fleece sweatshirt and stretched under an apple tree in my sports bra while my shoes got wet in the grass. The longer I was out there, the more the sky cleared of clouds and the sun warmed everything. It felt goodgoodGOOD.

I wasn't nervous about making this "get pregnant" decision when we made it, but soon after I started getting a little freaked out inside and that feeling lasted a couple of weeks, but now I'm getting really excited and feeling at home with myself and the idea of being pregnant and being a mom.

Will it be my last?

I started my period today when we got home from the gym. If all goes miraculously well, it will be my last one in a long while. I'm not counting on it, though.

I'm going to buy a special calendar just for charting our baby-making activities and potential fertile times; I want to keep track of what position we do it in and who orgasms and in what order. I'm curious if any of the old-wives' tales are true regarding the position and climax order having effects on the sex of the baby. Not that one personal experiment is going to "prove" those stories true or false, but yeah.

I'm curious who out there believes those things are true / if they worked for you.

Am I Fertile?

Here's the thing: I don't even know if I can get pregnant. I'm thirty-four years old and as far as I know, I've never been pregnant. In spite of having unprotected sex at supposedly risky times, I've never been pregnant that I know of.

*****

For two or three years Tucker and I didn't use any "real" birth control, just withdrawal around about the times we thought we might need to be concerned / I might be ovulating. As far as I know I never got pregnant in spite of the fact that Tucker does produce quite a bit of precum and there were a few times where we weren't paying very close attention to the calendar. It's possible one or both of us is infertile. He has some varicose veins wrapped around his balls, so they could be too hot to keep sperm alive.

Anyway, if I'm not fertile it won't be the end of the world. I doubt we'll go crazy or go to fertility experts or any of that; we'll probably just figure we're meant to be childless. I hope I'm fertile though. I FEEL fertile.