Clomid

A very basic update:

We're still waiting for my period to start; it's been over six weeks since the last one began (on March 28th). No, I'm not pregnant; that's just how my body works (or doesn't work).

It's been almost a year since we started trying to conceive so we're stepping things up a notch or two by trying Clomid (a fertility drug that helps stimulate ovulation) this cycle. We'll then continue testing at home to try to predict when the egg (or eggs) will pop and probably go to the fertility clinic for an intrauterine insemination where Delia shoots a load in the lab, they "wash" her sperm, and they shoot it directly into my uterus.

Normally they suggest trying clomid for three cycles before doing any extra lab procedures but Delia is waiting on this before she starts hormones. Also? I can't say that I wouldn't want to go ahead with the luhBOREuhtory procedures after this much waiting. Because there's something appealing to me about an aliens-in-labcoats science-y conception. On top of that the Clomid actually does a counterproductive number on women's cervical mucous, making it more "hostile" to sperm (basically it dries up your pussy); why keep plugging away at it in bed if the pussy is being sabotaged? Answer: because it costs $225 for sperm wash/prep and $175 for the insemination so maybe we *should* try it in bed one round first.

Now that we have done all of the usual tests and know that I still have eggs, they do still pop (sometimes), my tubes are not blocked, Delia's sperm is good, my blood work indicates everything is normal, and we've tried an assortment of tricks and techniques at home, there's not a lot we can do except either wait or take things to the pharmaceutical and medical levels. Delia has put her transition on hold long enough (and I fucking HATE waiting for something to happen) so we're going to go for the med-voodoo.

(IN)Fertile (?) Trixie

Some loosely connected thoughts and reflection on how it feels to stake out a space on the internet that you might not qualify for, and what it means to be fertile or infertile (or something in between):

I knew when I started this blog and bought the domain FertileTrixie.com that it could be a misnomer; while the majority of sex I've had in my life has been protected, I have also had a lot of UNprotected sex with a number of men (plus one busted condom) when I was not on hormonal birth control over the years and never once gotten pregnant (that I know of); at thirty-four years of age when we started trying last year, I knew that there could be a reason I've never had an unplanned pregnancy and that the reason could be infertility. I'm not trying to brag about having unsafe sex, just sharing the information so it can be applied to our attempts to conceive now.

Anyway, by putting myself out on the internet as "Fertile" Trixie, I didn't assume that I actually was/am fertile; I just hoped for the best. I also considered other names, like PregnantTrixie, FecundTrixie, TrixieGrows, TrixieBreeds, BreederTrixie, etc. I dismissed all of those for one reason or another and chose FertileTrixie because I like the idea of exploring fertility both as a sexual fetish and in a broader way. I like the idea of thinking of myself as fertile, whether I'm able to get pregnant or not, naturally or not.

While I knew there was a chance getting pregnant could be a challenge, I didn't dwell on it or plan ahead for what I/we would do if it wasn't easy, except to agree that it wouldn't be the end of the world. I did know I might feel awkward about calling myself something I might not be, but not so worried about it that I'd avoid it by waiting to develop this site until after I'd gotten pregnant or after the first trimester or whatever. It's not my style to *wait* (which is part of what makes this so hard) or to keep secrets just to avoid fallout.

Our ongoing experience of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant is teaching me a lot and making me reconsider many of my opinions and positions on fertility issues, parenthood, myself, my spiritual beliefs (and disbeliefs), privacy, human nature, and the in/fertility industry(ies). I plan to blog about those things in more detail.

One major expansion that's widened in my mind is between the definitions of "fertility" and "infertility"; fertility (like sexuality and so many other things) is more of a spectrum or a collection of many attributes (not just one: fertility or infertility), especially with where medicine and science are at. There are so many *small* things that can interfere with getting pregnant that don't really mean a person or couple is INfertile: hostile cervical mucous, being out of shape or overweight, ejaculating too often, residual effects of hormonal birth control, having debris in fallopian tubes that can often be easily unblocked through testing, etc. These are hurdles that can be overcome with time or exercise or a relatively simple procedure that's far less of a big deal and expense than getting your wisdom teeth pulled. In other words, you can be hugely fertile in the most necessary ways (popping healthy eggs, producing healthy sperm) but just struggling with some interference.

I like that. It makes sense to me; I'm not INfertile; something is just INTERFERING with my FERTILITY.

I can't stop thinking about when my dad was intubated; his lungs were so bad he started hallucinating and the doctors had to traumatize his body further by hooking him to a machine to breathe for him ("hooking up" is such a misleading way to describe intubation, but anyway). He was on death's doorstep. The doctor asked us if he had a living will or had ever instructed us what to do if he were on life support. My dad had been very specific all our lives that he wasn't to be kept alive artificially, but we knew that THIS WAS DIFFERENT! The doctor made me feel like I was defying his wishes by insisting he stay hooked up to the respirator, but I'd just had normal conversations with my dad twelve hours earlier! It wasn't like he'd been in a car accident and had his brain bashed in and would be rendered a vegetable. Even though my dad would have died without the machines, there was a whole lot more grey area than I'd been prepared for when thinking about "life support" on a theoretical level. It wasn't a decision my dad or any of us could have prepared for in advance. My dad was glad we didn't pull the plug on him; even though the few years he lived after that were hard and his quality of life was severely diminished, he was unequivocally thankful to be alive.

It used to be easy for me to say I would never do anything artificial to have a baby, just like it used to be easy for my dad to say he didn't want to be kept alive by life support machines. Now I recognize that there are lots of medical and natural methods of boosting fertility, and obviously not all of them involve fertility drugs and test tubes. Of course, I must have known that on an intellectual level before, but didn't bother to think that hard about it when I developed my harshly judgmental positions on fertility treatments and the people who use them. And now that *I* am in the position where the most artificial methods of conception might be our only options? You bet we are considering them, even the test tubes and Clomid. And I can't help feeling that if there is a God or Karma or a threefold law, that I am GETTING WHAT I DESERVE right now. That I have brought this tribulation upon myself by being a snotty, judgmental, know-it-all little bitch.

In some ways I'm grateful for this experience, even though it's hard. It's an opportunity to grow that I couldn't have planned for and wouldn't have chosen so it feels valuable to me. It's also become an opportunity to blog about something that is/has been a struggle for a whole lot of people. Many women can relate to this, whereas fewer women can relate to what I usually blog about (being a webwhore). It could be something that bridges the porn gap, which will be interesting (and potentially challenging) to see develop.

*****

After the past six periods or so we've gone through the same thing, We'll try it one more time the natural way. Because every cycle we learn something new or do something different or have different interruptions. We know Delia's sperm is good, and now we know that my tubes are not blocked, my hormones levels are right, and there's nothing obviously wrong with my uterus or ovaries. We know more tricks than we knew before and have only been really consistent with testing for ovulation in the past three or four cycles. We now know we really shouldn't jump the gun just because my hormone levels are rising, but need to WAIT UNTIL AFTER IT'S FOR SURE.

And we know we can't be trying to shoot tons of porn content and doing a bunch of webcam shows where Delia's spilling her precious goddamn seed so this month? We've got a more stringent cut-off date on our calendar for all of that.

So. We're not going to take any fertility drugs or try to inseminate me in a doctor's office . . . not, THIS month, anyway.

But I thought you didn't WANT to have kids!?!

So.

Most people were surprised by our announcement to try to get pregnant. Surprise is a reasonable reaction considering how vocally anti-breeder we've been at times. Here's the deal, though: it's not that I didn't ever want kids, it's that I mostly wanted something else more (to focus on work, each other, freedom, etc.). Up until now. It's not that we had some giant change of heart, it's just that IT'S TIME. It's what we've grown to want, and want now.

Naturally you've not heard of this growing urge to breed because we didn't feel the need to talk about it. It's the kind of thing I've always preferred to keep private partly because I wanted to discourage people from pressuring me to have kids or hurry up, blah blah blah. It's been easier to just say "not going to happen" or "slight chance in A BILLION YEARS" than to give people an opening to pester us about it.

Also, we didn't really talk about it much with each other. In the past year, though, this first year of my nephew's life, we've been so smitten with him, with each other, with family that we didn't need to say very much to each other to confirm what we were feeling: this baby thing . . . it's pretty fucking amazing. Delia and I passed many "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" looks at each other along with resigned sighs. Happily and nervously resigned to wanting to make a baby together.

I think we'd have held off for another year or two except that with Tucker transitioning to Delia full time and planning to go on hormones the time is NOW. Not in a high-pressure way, like "oh god we have to do this now or it will be TOO LATE!", but in an exciting and natural way, like all of the pieces are falling into place. I have always loved those times in my life when circumstances didn't permit me to agonize over a decision and instead just plopped a quick choice in my lap with a big fat arrow pointing to YES, saying "pick me!!!" Now is one of those times when "yes" is smiling in my lap.

I do still feel strongly that it's totally fucked up that we as a society default to thoughtless reproduction. I think people are brainwashed and stupefied into having too many kids and that alternative life paths that don't include breeding aren't presented as satisfying, valuable and fulfilling options. I think it's ridiculous when people act as though a person's missing out on The Most Important Experience In Life by not breeding. And I can think of nothing more deluded and dumb than breeders accusing those who are childless by choice of SELFISHNESS. Having kids has got to be one of the most incredibly selfish and self-centered things we humans are programmed to do.

I'll be the first to admit that me wanting to have kids? It's a primitive and selfish impulse that drives me. Oh, it FEELS more beautiful and sacred than some greasy old evolutionary drive to procreate, but it still is what it is. And I am thrilled that I'm not too advanced to want to rise above it. I want to be part of this thing, ALL THE WAY. I want the person I chose who chooses me back to put his/her soupy swimmers inside me and make the magic happen. I want to delight in the marvelous combination of us come to life in a new body. Our baby will grow up to have long legs and be loved by us.

I know it makes me an ass to feel this way, but I think we're just too fucking awesome NOT to have kids.