Thursday, July 17, 2008

Conflicting Information

I know it sounds almost prehistorically paranoid, but I and a lot of other women having difficulty conceiving worry that having orgasms, fucking, using super-powerful vibrators, etc. could somehow be exacerbating our problems AFTER fertilization (but before implantation). I *know* it sounds crazy, but if you have never been infertile when you wanted to be fertile, you are in no position to judge the possibilities a woman will entertain to explain her problems or the lengths she will go to to avoid ANYTHING that could possibly threaten her chances to conceive. You can read this and think that I'm ignorant or not well read, but I doubt many people can offer knowledgeable, researched, documented information accessible to the masses that adequately explains away my concerns.

We've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. As we got negative after negative pee test results, I searched (and found) handfuls of tips and rumours on the internet about all kinds of things that are good or bad for fertility. Example: maybe my massive soy consumption was part of the problem. When you read information that's unclear or not well-researched or speaks of potential problems or you can only find one mention of how much is TOO much (and that amount is less than what you're consuming) then you go ahead and err on the side of caution. So I decreased my soy intake to almost nothing after I read that just over a month ago. Note: the only difference I noticed is that I almost totally stopped farting stinky farts once I stopped chug-a-lugging soy milk.

Back to the original question, though; in my layman's mind I cannot help wondering how orgasm or strong vibrations could possibly effect implantation. I *know* orgasm helps with fertilization; you can read about the mechanics of it and it makes complete sense! But no one has provided and I have not found an explanation for the mechanics of orgasm and impending implantation: if you've got a fertilized egg hanging out in your uterus getting ready to burrow in, what will orgasm do to it (if anything)?

I was told that the reason semen is "washed" before an intrauterine insemination is to get rid of the prostaglandins that can make women cramp up:
"Raw semen cannot be inserted directly into a woman’s uterus. This is because semen contains chemicals called prostaglandins. Prostaglandins cause muscular contractions and are responsible for cramps during menstruation and pregnancy. If raw semen is inserted directly into your uterus, rather than going through the cervix first, it could cause severe pain and cramping. It could also cause your uterus to collapse, causing severe complications."
From that information, I assumed that contractions will fuck shit up if you're trying to get pregnant. From there I couldn't help wondering what the difference is between a crampy contraction and a contraction from an orgasm. No one has answered this question for me except a person in a chatroom who claimed to have a ob/gyn for a wife who told him to tell me that "one is drawing in and one is pushing out." It sounds almost sensible, but obviously isn't information I can count on or would repeat to anyone else as the proven, gospel truth.

Of course I googled the hell out of my paranoia, and found buttloads of other women struggling with infertility expressing the same worries AND (get this) saying that they were told by their doctors to abstain from sex (and some said orgasms too) after their fertility treatments (IUI and IVF mostly). I know you can't trust everything you read on the internet (and I DON'T), but I think it's kind of natural to worry when you hear this kind of information being passed around. Or when doctors or experts answer the question but don't adequately explain WHY or WHY NOT you should/shouldn't do this or that. For example, when you find people answering the sex toy question, they invariably have one type of sex toy in mind that is quite different from other sex toys. A hitachi magic wand with its jackhammer-strong vibrations is not the same as a dildo is not the same as a tiny watch-battery powered clit vibe, so if you tell me "your uterus is well cushioned from the vibrations" but you don't say "even from a hitachi magic wand's thrumming for a half hour because you place yours ABOVE your clit because it's too much stimulation directly on your unit" then I'm not going to be certain your answer applies to me and my toy(s).

Factor in that even if you can pin a doctor down on these things you can't help suspecting they're making an educated GUESS because you doubt there's any real research on these things. And that doctors are still going around asking how big your "clots" are during your period to figure out if you're normal or not, which shows they really don't know everything (a topic for yet another blog entry I've procrastinated on detailing the time I asked a doctor about the clots question on her office's intake form and her answer/non-answer and the WAY she answered it were so disturbing to me I'm still in shock over it years later).

If there's a Nova video somewhere out there that shows one of those cool internal views of a fertilized egg and shows it not being disrupted or shooshed out during the implantation process by a bunch of orgasms, I will happily set aside my fears. Actually, I have already set them aside, but not happily. I did ask the doctor during my IUI and of course he reassured me that research either shows no impact OR it shows that conception rates are slightly higher for people having sex and orgasms during their two week wait.

So what about all those women crying on internet forums because they disobeyed doctor's orders and had an orgasm in their sleep when they supposedly weren't supposed to? I'm not sure, but the only thing I can figure out is that some women are told to abstain if they have an "incompetent cervix" or a history of miscarriages. That still doesn't make sense, though, if they're being told to abstain so early on. Maybe they're lying and their doctors didn't really tell them that. Maybe there really are doctors saying that but they're crazy or stupid themselves. Maybe *everyone* is relying on their own intuition and not real research and that's why everyone's information is different. Maybe it's just not politically correct to say that an orgasm could be anything but healthy and harmless.

So. There have been a number of times the past six months where I've said I was going to abstain during our two week wait, but none where I actually succeeded. There were a few times I canceled my webcam shows or didn't masturbate to orgasm (I *need* the wand for my shows -- finger-fiddling does NOT work on cam for me, mostly because of all the distractions), but other than that it's mostly been business as usual, especially during the two week wait following my first Clomid: I was way WAY too fucking horny to entertain the idea of not getting off many times.

I know that orgasm is a magical, wonderful thing. That should be obvious to anyone who knows me. I know about increased blood flow and oxygen and I know that implantation is something that happens on a microscopically small level and it's silly(!)(?) to think a wonderful, magical, natural event like orgasm could POSSIBLY disrupt any of the naturally perfect wonderful processes involved in getting pregnant. I know that most people would think anyone who imagines otherwise must be a misogynistic, religious nut who thinks all women are dirty whores who should have their clits excised and shrunken and hung as trophies from the rearview mirror of the popemobile. I know other people think, "now, now, young lady! You just let the DOCTORS worry about all that complicated business between your legs -- they know what's best for you! TRUST them when they say it couldn't possibly be a problem! Run along home now and feel good about yourself!" I know still other people would say, "it's just the stress, honey, from you getting all worked up and formulating all these hypotheses! As soon as you stop thinking about it so hard it'll happen for you!"

I also know that nature is full of contradictions and that there are tons of things women's bodies do to make getting pregnant HARD. Harder than you think. From our acidic cunts to our immune systems and all sorts of other things. How do I know this isn't another of nature's little contradictions? I also know that many women's bodies are DIFFERENT from many OTHER women's bodies, so something that has no impact on one woman can have a real impact on another, or something can impact one women one way and another woman another way.

When the doctor was stabbing at my cervix with catheter after catheter and I was CRAMPING (that's what happens when you try to stick shit into a woman's cervix: look it up if you don't believe me), I asked him if those cramps would be a problem (I mean, if they wash the sperm to PREVENT cramps, isn't a procedure like that totally fucking counterproductive? His answer: "it shouldn't be".

It shouldn't be. But that doesn't mean it won't be/wasn't. It doesn't mean they've researched it. It's not an explanation of why it's not. So why should I believe it? I actually might have been more prone to trusting it completely if he'd have explained that there are OTHER reasons why they wash the semen (to get rid of duds, leave only the awesome sperm, etc.) not just to prevent cramping or if he'd said that those cramps are minor compared to the cramps I would have gotten from a load of raw cum shot straight into my uterus, but he didn't (maybe because that's not true/I'm only guessing or maybe because he didn't want to insult me by saying the cramps I was having at that moment weren't bad enough to be a problem). Anyway, it was the Fourth of July and he had a lot of women to attend to and he needed to concentrate to get those bad boys inside me. We paid our $400 for the procedures that day, not for complex answers.

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Sunday, June 15, 2008

Post-Orgasm Cramps

We're running into the end of another two week wait and a couple nights ago I experienced something new: I got cramps after having an orgasm during sex. Apparently a lot of women have this, but I haven't (though I *have* had severe nausea-inducing crampy pain a couple of times right after vigorous sex right before my period which I hypothesized was from my cervix getting banged when it was more open than usual because of my impending period).

The next morning I woke up way too early at six with cramps and a general feeling of restlessness. Since then I have been crampy off and on a lot and they don't come in waves, it's more like one prolonged cramp. It could just be my period being on its way, but of course I'm convinced it's something else. Something good. Of course I've been googling my head off and found all sorts of interesting discussions which I'm too lazy to post or summarize here right now. Okay, I found a lot of women saying they had post-orgasm cramps and/or general crampiness from around implantation through week ten of their pregnancies. Since I have had plenty of orgasms during my two week wait over the past year with none of them leading to cramps (that I can recall) I'm hoping that SIGNIFIES something about my uterus being in a special condition.

I *could* take an early pregnancy test tomorrow, but I'm nervous and would rather lessen the chance of a false negative. Of course, I would rather have a false negative than a REAL negative, but whatever. I'm also extremely weepy lately, but that's been going on for quite awhile now, especially when I have PMS so that's not unusual enough for me to imagine it's connected to early pregnancy (though a few months ago I did).

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Monday, April 21, 2008

Nursing Mama Doll & Ovulation Update

This has to be one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen:

Found via Hobo Stripper who led me to Enchanted Gypsy where I found her store.

I love people who make beautiful things, and beautiful TOUCHABLE things are especially wonderful.


I've been testing my pee every day for the past couple of weeks to try to catch my hormone surge leading to ovulation; I'm worried this will be another cycle where I don't even pop an egg; it seems like it would have happened by now, plus I just don't feel like anything's been going on in there; usually I feel some cramps for a few days; I've only had maybe three momentary pinches. We are wondering if having less sex (trying to save up the sperm) is decreasing whatever stimulation I might need to pop an egg.

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Monday, March 17, 2008

Two Week Wait

We're now a couple of days into another "two week wait" hoping to find out at the end of the month that we're pregnant. Here's a little update from a post I just made in my main blog:
We’ve had sex four mornings in a row hoping to fertilize the egg that I popped on Friday. Sunday morning was just for good measure ;). It really relaxed me so I went back into a blissful sleep afterwards, then got up and spent many hours doing housework. I’m not an efficient cleaning person because I get easily distracted and roam from room to room, but when I just allow myself to enjoy the process it’s actually really soothing to me. It was nice to get away from the computers and pay attention to our surroundings. While we are waiting to find out whether or not our conception attempt was successful I want things to be as calm and relaxing as possible and also focus my energy on grounding myself in my body and home. Peace is a state of being I usually have to work towards to achieve; I would like to practice more to get to the point where it comes more naturally. This is especially important now that I want to become a parent.

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

Shooting in the Dark

We've no clue when I'm going to (or possibly did already) ovulate, so we're really shooting in the dark. We decided to have fun sex last night for the pure bliss of it.

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Sunday, January 27, 2008

SEX tonight!

Delia hasn't shot a load since Monday and I just tested and still I'm not having my LH surge, so we're going to fuck tonight: both of us are jonesing for a good fuck. If my surge happens tomorrow then we'll do it again on Tuesday and it will still be enough abstinence for her to replenish her stores (plus have leftovers inside still from tonight).

We have read and heard a lot of contradictory information anyway about the effect of abstinence vs. frequent ejaculation on sperm count; supposedly it's not good for sperm count to wait this long, yet doing it every day or more often is not good either; while some people discount that, we have been trying for months and perhaps been overdoing it, so even just skipping one day will be an improvement over what we've been doing. Judging from the variation of her sperm count with her deposits for freezing at the fertility clinic, though, I'd say abstaining three or four days might be better.

But who fucking knows for sure, right?

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Love Making

We had sex for the first potentially-fertile time on Thursday. It was probably too early, but still . . . we were both aware that it was purposeful sex aimed towards the specific consequence of conception.

Things I'm embarrassed to admit:

I found myself trying to concoct fantasies in my head that weren't as kinky as my usual fantasies during sex. I tried to imagine "healthy" fantasies. What kind of fantasies are you supposed to have when you're making a baby? Lines kept running through my head like, we are having grown-up sex. This is how adults do it. I kept being nagged by the awareness that somehow what we were doing was suddenly a touch foreign to me.

On the other hand, it was very romantic and lovey-dovey sex. Here's what a voyeur had to say about it:
You and tucker look so hot together . . . everybody on chat was talking about you. I added that you have the hottest body . . . Tucker was hot too, he's cool. It wasn't really sex to me, it was love making there, true love making . . . it was beautiful.
Isn't that sweet? I guess the romance was apparent, maybe because we both had big shit-eating grins on our faces.

Of course, that particular voyeur didn't have audio so he couldn't hear the naughty fantasy I confessed aloud to reverting to. I actually don't even remember what it was now, but maybe some other peepers heard it. Something about me being Delia's daddy, I think.

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