Not Pregnant

So. My period just started. I sat and cried on the toilet for a little while. I did take a test day before yesterday which was, of course, negative. But we hoped maybe it was just too early to get a positive. Now we know. The test was right.

I'm not pregnant, and feeling worse about it than ever before. Delia has been waiting almost a year to start on hormones now. The money we've spent on testing that has been applied to my giant insurance deductible will be for nothing since we won't be having a baby this year. I just turned thirty-five this month so when/if we do get pregnant, it will automatically be deemed a high risk pregnancy because of my age. I can't seem to separate the trivial consequences (like the deductible & arbitrary high risk designation) from the massive ones (my girlfriend's identity being on hold).

I have no idea what to do next and just want to quit everything else, shut out every other distraction, not have to do shows or shoots or try to balance that with procreational sex; I feel like we're demanding a lot of our bodies and don't even have time to figure out what's going on before someone is asking us for an update. I don't blame anyone for that (especially since I appreciate the interest and concern), it's just stressful because on top of the demands we have to orient ourselves to our situation and make decisions, people are clamoring for news before it's even created. By the time we've gone through things, I totally want a break from talking or thinking about the whole ordeal instead of rehashing it. It's hard to strike a balance and prioritize.

Tonight we're going to spend some time together planning the upcoming cycle and making some decisions about possible artificial steps to take along with deciding whether or not to / when to cut back on shows and shoots.

I also really need to get more exercise. That might sound random, but it's really important now for a whole host of reasons (healthier = more fertile, fitter = healthier pregnancy, exercise = less stress). I've been having a terrible time motivating myself to do anything. It feels like I'm just WAITING. Like all I can do is wait. It's a challenge. Sometimes it feels like the best I can do is to try to be calm. To sit on my widening ass, waiting patiently . . . meditatively. In order to maintain that sense of calm I don't want to do much of anything. I don't want to agitate myself or my body. I mostly just want to sit around like a big heavy rock.

But right now I want to cry.