Uh-Oh

One of my biggest concerns going into this has been losing the emotional stability of being on the pill. Yes, I know that I'll get those benefits back once I'm pregnant, but before that and during breastfeeding? I'm nervous.

In the past I've had some pretty serious issues with depression, violent mood swings, and all of that jazz from PMS. Those symptoms weren't really limited to just a week before my period started, either. Being on the pill with its consistent dose of regulatory hormones was like MAGIC. I loved it.

Now that I am off of it I am feeling the jagged claws of hormone shifts in these ways:

I AM SO HORNY I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT.
I know you think that's cute and happy, but my entire pelvic bowl feels so cranky and demanding and on edge, it's fucking nerve wracking.

I AM UBER BITCHY & EASILY AGGRAVATED.
The slightest irritations make me want to throttle people.

I FEEL DEEPLY SAD.
When something makes me sad, something that would normally be no big deal, I feel it to my core, like a major heartbreak.

One of the things I loved about being on the pill is that my bitchiness and sentimentality seemed very superficial suddenly. I felt more prone to expressing these emotions through stereotypical chatterbox nagging or crying suddenly at stupid things, like commercials, but only for about four and a half weepy seconds and then it would be gone. I'll say it again, because it has been so striking to me: the emotions I felt were very superficial, and underneath them I felt very smooth and stable.

Not on the pill? Nothing feels superficial. One of the cool things about being on it, though, that I think I can take with me is that I feel more comfortable crying. So on Saturday when a book made me sad? I cried. HARD. And when it made me sad again a few pages later? I cried again. HARD. And when watching Northern Exposure made me feel sentimental? I cried. HARD. I cried hard on Saturday so many fucking times, my face got bloated. I also masturbated a lot (but not while I was crying).

And right now as I write this? I feel like a platoon of cunt-starved soldiers couldn't satisfy my pussy, it's feeling so demanding. It's not like I'm dripping wet with arousal, it's more of an incredible sexual tension in my pelvis. It's a feeling of being wound up and aching for release.

Love Making

We had sex for the first potentially-fertile time on Thursday. It was probably too early, but still . . . we were both aware that it was purposeful sex aimed towards the specific consequence of conception.

Things I'm embarrassed to admit:

I found myself trying to concoct fantasies in my head that weren't as kinky as my usual fantasies during sex. I tried to imagine "healthy" fantasies. What kind of fantasies are you supposed to have when you're making a baby? Lines kept running through my head like, we are having grown-up sex. This is how adults do it. I kept being nagged by the awareness that somehow what we were doing was suddenly a touch foreign to me.

On the other hand, it was very romantic and lovey-dovey sex. Here's what a voyeur had to say about it:

You and tucker look so hot together . . . everybody on chat was talking about you. I added that you have the hottest body . . . Tucker was hot too, he's cool. It wasn't really sex to me, it was love making there, true love making . . . it was beautiful.

Isn't that sweet? I guess the romance was apparent, maybe because we both had big shit-eating grins on our faces.

Of course, that particular voyeur didn't have audio so he couldn't hear the naughty fantasy I confessed aloud to reverting to. I actually don't even remember what it was now, but maybe some other peepers heard it. Something about me being Delia's daddy, I think.

Officially Off the Pill

Even though the last pill I took was back on Saturday (over a week ago), yesterday was the first day I was officially off the pill since all but one of the days in between were sugar pill / period days.

So I guess this means I'm officially at risk of getting pregnant now. Bwahahahaha!!! I don't know why that sounds so deliciously evil and naughty to me, like I'm bucking everything civilized to do something old, earthy and primitive.

But I thought you didn't WANT to have kids!?!

So.

Most people were surprised by our announcement to try to get pregnant. Surprise is a reasonable reaction considering how vocally anti-breeder we've been at times. Here's the deal, though: it's not that I didn't ever want kids, it's that I mostly wanted something else more (to focus on work, each other, freedom, etc.). Up until now. It's not that we had some giant change of heart, it's just that IT'S TIME. It's what we've grown to want, and want now.

Naturally you've not heard of this growing urge to breed because we didn't feel the need to talk about it. It's the kind of thing I've always preferred to keep private partly because I wanted to discourage people from pressuring me to have kids or hurry up, blah blah blah. It's been easier to just say "not going to happen" or "slight chance in A BILLION YEARS" than to give people an opening to pester us about it.

Also, we didn't really talk about it much with each other. In the past year, though, this first year of my nephew's life, we've been so smitten with him, with each other, with family that we didn't need to say very much to each other to confirm what we were feeling: this baby thing . . . it's pretty fucking amazing. Delia and I passed many "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" looks at each other along with resigned sighs. Happily and nervously resigned to wanting to make a baby together.

I think we'd have held off for another year or two except that with Tucker transitioning to Delia full time and planning to go on hormones the time is NOW. Not in a high-pressure way, like "oh god we have to do this now or it will be TOO LATE!", but in an exciting and natural way, like all of the pieces are falling into place. I have always loved those times in my life when circumstances didn't permit me to agonize over a decision and instead just plopped a quick choice in my lap with a big fat arrow pointing to YES, saying "pick me!!!" Now is one of those times when "yes" is smiling in my lap.

I do still feel strongly that it's totally fucked up that we as a society default to thoughtless reproduction. I think people are brainwashed and stupefied into having too many kids and that alternative life paths that don't include breeding aren't presented as satisfying, valuable and fulfilling options. I think it's ridiculous when people act as though a person's missing out on The Most Important Experience In Life by not breeding. And I can think of nothing more deluded and dumb than breeders accusing those who are childless by choice of SELFISHNESS. Having kids has got to be one of the most incredibly selfish and self-centered things we humans are programmed to do.

I'll be the first to admit that me wanting to have kids? It's a primitive and selfish impulse that drives me. Oh, it FEELS more beautiful and sacred than some greasy old evolutionary drive to procreate, but it still is what it is. And I am thrilled that I'm not too advanced to want to rise above it. I want to be part of this thing, ALL THE WAY. I want the person I chose who chooses me back to put his/her soupy swimmers inside me and make the magic happen. I want to delight in the marvelous combination of us come to life in a new body. Our baby will grow up to have long legs and be loved by us.

I know it makes me an ass to feel this way, but I think we're just too fucking awesome NOT to have kids.

Today

I ordered some cycle beads today; if all goes well and I am FERTILE I probably won't even get a chance to use them.

I took a long walk by myself in the damp woods. I stripped off my fleece sweatshirt and stretched under an apple tree in my sports bra while my shoes got wet in the grass. The longer I was out there, the more the sky cleared of clouds and the sun warmed everything. It felt goodgoodGOOD.

I wasn't nervous about making this "get pregnant" decision when we made it, but soon after I started getting a little freaked out inside and that feeling lasted a couple of weeks, but now I'm getting really excited and feeling at home with myself and the idea of being pregnant and being a mom.

Comments Enabled

FYI: I just fixed it so that comments are enabled; anyone can post, but I do screen them and require word verification to prevent spambots from posting and asshole comments from appearing.

Will it be my last?

I started my period today when we got home from the gym. If all goes miraculously well, it will be my last one in a long while. I'm not counting on it, though.

I'm going to buy a special calendar just for charting our baby-making activities and potential fertile times; I want to keep track of what position we do it in and who orgasms and in what order. I'm curious if any of the old-wives' tales are true regarding the position and climax order having effects on the sex of the baby. Not that one personal experiment is going to "prove" those stories true or false, but yeah.

I'm curious who out there believes those things are true / if they worked for you.

Am I Fertile?

Here's the thing: I don't even know if I can get pregnant. I'm thirty-four years old and as far as I know, I've never been pregnant. In spite of having unprotected sex at supposedly risky times, I've never been pregnant that I know of.

*****

For two or three years Tucker and I didn't use any "real" birth control, just withdrawal around about the times we thought we might need to be concerned / I might be ovulating. As far as I know I never got pregnant in spite of the fact that Tucker does produce quite a bit of precum and there were a few times where we weren't paying very close attention to the calendar. It's possible one or both of us is infertile. He has some varicose veins wrapped around his balls, so they could be too hot to keep sperm alive.

Anyway, if I'm not fertile it won't be the end of the world. I doubt we'll go crazy or go to fertility experts or any of that; we'll probably just figure we're meant to be childless. I hope I'm fertile though. I FEEL fertile.