Monday, June 25, 2007

Uh-Oh

One of my biggest concerns going into this has been losing the emotional stability of being on the pill. Yes, I know that I'll get those benefits back once I'm pregnant, but before that and during breastfeeding? I'm nervous.

In the past I've had some pretty serious issues with depression, violent mood swings, and all of that jazz from PMS. Those symptoms weren't really limited to just a week before my period started, either. Being on the pill with its consistent dose of regulatory hormones was like MAGIC. I loved it.

Now that I am off of it I am feeling the jagged claws of hormone shifts in these ways:

I AM SO HORNY I WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT.
I know you think that's cute and happy, but my entire pelvic bowl feels so cranky and demanding and on edge, it's fucking nerve wracking.

I AM UBER BITCHY & EASILY AGGRAVATED.
The slightest irritations make me want to throttle people.

I FEEL DEEPLY SAD.
When something makes me sad, something that would normally be no big deal, I feel it to my core, like a major heartbreak.

One of the things I loved about being on the pill is that my bitchiness and sentimentality seemed very superficial suddenly. I felt more prone to expressing these emotions through stereotypical chatterbox nagging or crying suddenly at stupid things, like commercials, but only for about four and a half weepy seconds and then it would be gone. I'll say it again, because it has been so striking to me: the emotions I felt were very superficial, and underneath them I felt very smooth and stable.

Not on the pill? Nothing feels superficial. One of the cool things about being on it, though, that I think I can take with me is that I feel more comfortable crying. So on Saturday when a book made me sad? I cried. HARD. And when it made me sad again a few pages later? I cried again. HARD. And when watching Northern Exposure made me feel sentimental? I cried. HARD. I cried hard on Saturday so many fucking times, my face got bloated. I also masturbated a lot (but not while I was crying).

And right now as I write this? I feel like a platoon of cunt-starved soldiers couldn't satisfy my pussy, it's feeling so demanding. It's not like I'm dripping wet with arousal, it's more of an incredible sexual tension in my pelvis. It's a feeling of being wound up and aching for release.

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