But I thought you didn't WANT to have kids!?!

So.

Most people were surprised by our announcement to try to get pregnant. Surprise is a reasonable reaction considering how vocally anti-breeder we've been at times. Here's the deal, though: it's not that I didn't ever want kids, it's that I mostly wanted something else more (to focus on work, each other, freedom, etc.). Up until now. It's not that we had some giant change of heart, it's just that IT'S TIME. It's what we've grown to want, and want now.

Naturally you've not heard of this growing urge to breed because we didn't feel the need to talk about it. It's the kind of thing I've always preferred to keep private partly because I wanted to discourage people from pressuring me to have kids or hurry up, blah blah blah. It's been easier to just say "not going to happen" or "slight chance in A BILLION YEARS" than to give people an opening to pester us about it.

Also, we didn't really talk about it much with each other. In the past year, though, this first year of my nephew's life, we've been so smitten with him, with each other, with family that we didn't need to say very much to each other to confirm what we were feeling: this baby thing . . . it's pretty fucking amazing. Delia and I passed many "are you thinking what I'm thinking?" looks at each other along with resigned sighs. Happily and nervously resigned to wanting to make a baby together.

I think we'd have held off for another year or two except that with Tucker transitioning to Delia full time and planning to go on hormones the time is NOW. Not in a high-pressure way, like "oh god we have to do this now or it will be TOO LATE!", but in an exciting and natural way, like all of the pieces are falling into place. I have always loved those times in my life when circumstances didn't permit me to agonize over a decision and instead just plopped a quick choice in my lap with a big fat arrow pointing to YES, saying "pick me!!!" Now is one of those times when "yes" is smiling in my lap.

I do still feel strongly that it's totally fucked up that we as a society default to thoughtless reproduction. I think people are brainwashed and stupefied into having too many kids and that alternative life paths that don't include breeding aren't presented as satisfying, valuable and fulfilling options. I think it's ridiculous when people act as though a person's missing out on The Most Important Experience In Life by not breeding. And I can think of nothing more deluded and dumb than breeders accusing those who are childless by choice of SELFISHNESS. Having kids has got to be one of the most incredibly selfish and self-centered things we humans are programmed to do.

I'll be the first to admit that me wanting to have kids? It's a primitive and selfish impulse that drives me. Oh, it FEELS more beautiful and sacred than some greasy old evolutionary drive to procreate, but it still is what it is. And I am thrilled that I'm not too advanced to want to rise above it. I want to be part of this thing, ALL THE WAY. I want the person I chose who chooses me back to put his/her soupy swimmers inside me and make the magic happen. I want to delight in the marvelous combination of us come to life in a new body. Our baby will grow up to have long legs and be loved by us.

I know it makes me an ass to feel this way, but I think we're just too fucking awesome NOT to have kids.